Pawprints

Cassie preferred being outdoors, and if the weather was warm, that's where she would be.  I installed a "cat door" on the sliding screen in my bedroom so that she could come and go as she pleased throughout the day and night, but when the nights got too cold, she had to find other ways to get my attention to let her in.  One of those ways was to climb into the windowbox outside the living room window and meow until I noticed her.  Another was to sit on the bar-height table on the deck outside the kitchen window.  Sooner or later, she knew, I would come into the kitchen and see her there.

Today was a rainy and dismal day.  I tried to continue the distraction by putting up some winter decorations.  I had less spirit than the Grinch before his heart began to grow.  At one point, when I was carrying some doodads into the kitchen, I was startled by how "dirty" the kitchen window was.  And then I realized that the marks on the window were Cassie's pawprints.  Now, before you think I'm delusional, I do not think that the Ghost of Cassie had been trying to get inside last night.  I knew those prints must have been there for awhile. Nonetheless, I had an emotional moment or two as I imagined her little face asking me to let her in.

But maybe I am delusional.  Delusional with love.  I woke up before the dawn this morning and willed myself to fall back to sleep.  And I did.  But the dreams that I had in those couple of hours were the kind that are so unpleasant, you try to talk your dreamself into waking up.  Every time my dreamself opened her eyes, the ceiling was only a foot above her.  Very frustrating.

But also, at some point within that sleep time, I was aware of Cassie walking on my bed.  I could hear her, I could feel her . . . but I couldn't see her.  Again, I willed myself to wake up, but I couldn't.

All day long, I have thought of her little paws walking on my bed, kneading the comforter, and I have convinced myself that she "visited" me early this morning.  Laugh at me if you must, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Because I am still in love with her little paws.  And by now, we know how powerful love can be.